As I write this, I am uncomfortable. The entire night I was unable to sleep due to a pulling sensation at my port site, unable to move my right leg without assistance due to said pain and hot flashes that caused me to sleep on top of the covers. For the last few days I have been unable to sleep much, unable to walk much and unable to eat much. Because I can’t really eat I dry heave. Sometimes I worry I won’t keep my medications down.
I am scheduled for two more rounds of this IP chemotherapy that is causing all this. I have decided I do not want to do it. I am returning to the traditional carboplatin/taxol combo I was on intravenously before.
In a way though, I feel like I am letting myself down. I have gone through so much and always wanted the most aggressive treatments to have the best chances. I was able to withstand two surgeries and 3 rounds of chemo. It has been debilitating these last 4 months yet somehow I was able to continue. Just a few days of this and I cannot. I always liked to think I was tougher.
A part of me wants to continue this therapy to prove to myself that I can get through this. I have/had expectations of myself and right now I feel like I am falling short of them. Logically I know I am not. The rest of me just doesn’t want to anymore. It is this side I am listening to. I can handle the regular body aches and the side effects from chemo. This pain however is unbearable. Think of feeling 4 months pregnant while undergoing all the regular chemo symptoms with a pulling sensation on your right side during menopause. That is pretty much the hell I am living currently.
Well, at least I gave it a shot. At least I tried.