And Now, For Something Completely Different…

Hope. :)

For the first time in three months today I actually felt a glimmer of hope and joy. I met with my surgeon today to discuss exactly what it is we’re going to do this Friday (FYI – I climbed off the crazy horse and re-booked my surgery) . I went in there with my list of requests preparing to negotiate things such as keeping my cervix and minimal incisions. To my surprise, he agreed with me. There was no need to take my cervix so I could keep it. They would do the surgery laprascopically. A port will be placed under my skin against my rib cage for the IP (Intro-peritoneal)  chemotherapy.

After discussing completing the surgery and chemotherapy, I asked my doctor “So…what happens next?” . He replied that I get back to my life. The concept of that seems so foreign now. It has only been three months but it feels like 3 years of dealing with this. I don’t completely know how I’ll adjust to my old life, but lets take a look at what we can expect…

Old life was….

Me working for a jewelry store in winter. I had a promising burgeoning relationship and a social life. Christmas was just about to happen and I was completely healthy. I rode my bike down San Pablo Ave. everyday and had a routine. I had an apartment.I had a beautiful head of raven hair. I had room mates.

New Life…

New apartment (yet to be found) which means a new bike route to work. Going back into life and seeing people who I haven’t seen in 3 months bald. Explaining to my clients what I’ve been doing these past 6 months. Doing things for myself again like grocery shopping. Not feeling tired or in pain all the time. Being single and dating again. Leaving behind people in Sacramento that I have really come to love and be close to who are still struggling with disease themselves. Not depending so much on others to help me. Being independent again. Going to school.

While I’m very excited about the dream of my new life, I am also scared. I am scared to believe that it is possible. That there is life after cancer. I am forever changed by this disease. In my brain – I am somewhat stuck on Christmas Eve 2011. Time stopped for me then. Christmas never came and I took on a new identity in the blink of an eye. For the last 3 months I have been preparing to die. Now, how do I live?

I guess we will have to see…

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10 thoughts on “And Now, For Something Completely Different…

  1. What a concept? Right? You just made me think about my life after this is all done. Your right, its going to be different in some ways. I will be different. We’ll both be just fine :)

  2. Ok, chemo brain strikes again. I know your not a nurse. Got you confused with another blog. I personally do not think its chemo brain.. Im just freakin senile :) Sorry about the confusion!

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